Delete

Sometimes I hold on to things that I shouldn't. I am not a hoarder or a collector. I am not a pack rat. My house tends toward organized and neat, most of the time. But, sometimes, there are the things that you can't see when you walk in my front door.

Maybe I only talk about them under the cover of darkness. Maybe I don't say them at all. But, they hang around. And I allow them to stay. I mull them over. I allow the feelings to be a part of me for a time.

Maybe I push them aside, shove it under the couch, or into the dark corner of my closet where the suitcases can cover them. But, I know that they are still there, and I can bring them out and play with them at will. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I am not sleeping I wish they would leave me alone. But, I am the one that lets them stay.

Some of these items might serve a purpose. But, most are not even suitable as a hand-me-down. And yet, I hang on. There is not even sentimental value attached. I keep them, just because.

Occasionally, when I have let one stay for a while, like an email I am never going to send, should never send, I just hit delete, and then it is gone. The words, the feelings, the need to hang on to them.... there is no reason to hang on. Delete. And then, it is gone. Seems like hitting that delete button should happen more often.

Shark Bite

In Jack Jack's preschool class, there is a boy who does not have one of his hands. I believe he was born that way, but as most adults do, I don't ask. And really, I pretend like I don't notice it unless he is doing a task that requires two hands and he asks for help. This boy gets a long pretty well and the 4 and 5 year olds in the class accept him as one of their playmates.

Early in the year, before Jack Jack knew his name, he would call him "the boy who is missing one of his hands." I encouraged Jack Jack to learn his name and not call him by this physical feature.

Unlike adults, 4 and 5 year olds sometimes verbalize their curiosity about differences. And the adults at the school have dealt with it matter of factly and the kids moved on.

Jack Jack, however, has decided that there must be another reason for this boy to be missing a hand.

Today, Jack Jack told me that "Did you know that sharks don't really kill you?"
I did not know this and not wanting to encourage talking about being killed by sharks, just nodded and said "really?"

Then Jack Jack continued "sharks don't kill you, they just bite your hand off."

"Really, did you see that on TV?"

"No, I just figured it out."

"How did you figure it out"

"Mommy, you know there is the boy in my class who is missing a hand."

"Uh huh....Did he tell you that a shark bit his hand off?"

"No. I just figured it out."

And this is not at all making a joke about this particular boy, this is me just being confounded by my four-year old's need to know. And when he didn't have an answer that satisfied him, he put the pieces together himself, even if the pieces didn't quite fit together right.

Imaginary Living

Imaginary Living

It feels to much like summer to be winter
If you come home I'll forgive you once again
I guess we're friend's
Everybody's getting lonely
Everything's moving so slowly
It's still the same,
We played the game
There's no obvious winner, in this game, we spun the spinner
It was red and green and then it was red again

Only in my life
It's just like I imagined it
Only it's my life
All the memories go to waste
It's a new place, and only time and space
would throw a catastrophic moment
at the ones that are too weak to hold it
As if it's my life
Is this how you imagined it?

*********************************

I did not write that. Violet wrote that. And she wrote it a few years ago. But, since she shared it on facebook, I didn't feel I was intruding on her privacy by sharing it. And, I don't do it very often, but I wanted to share a bit about Violet what makes her tick.

Violet has always has an old soul. From the time she could talk, people commented on her maturity, her verbal skills, her creativity, and the way she relates to the world around her. But, she is still very much a teenager. A normal teenager, in many ways who has the eye rolling and sighing to prove it. She loves her family, but sometimes would rather be as far away from us as possible.

Lately, Violet has been thinking a lot about her future. Maybe it is because, suddenly, as a freshman, her grades mean something. That high school gpa becomes an important benchmark on the road to where she wants to go. And Violet is very smart. But, she was also smart enough to realize that she could get buy on smarts alone and she was often very content to slide through without working harder than she needed too and now she can't get by on that alone. Now she is finding that to reach her goals she is going to have to work hard.

Violet is quirky, and thoughtful. She rarely gets in trouble at home because she knows how to avoid trouble and keep her parents on her side. She would read forever, once wanted to be a writer, and then a filmaker and now something that will require years and years of college. This is the kid who told me I was getting old because I was listening to NPR in the morning, yet downloads podcasts of university classes to listen to in her spare time. She has read books such as Outliers and debates with us the merits of practice versus inborn ability. She is currently practicing her violin after lamenting that she didn't practice enough three years ago and fell behind where she should have been.

Violet is also prone to overthinking things. The other night she discussed her plans, and how many years she would need to be in school to achieve her goals. She got pretty wound up and anxious as she talked and I could tell that the big picture, is sometimes too much to take in all at once. And I told her that she was over-thinking it and to think about shorter term goals. She replied "Over-thinking is what I do." And she does. And sometimes I have to bring her back from the brink of an anxiety attack.

And these are all things she does herself. She is sorting things out. She is thinking about how to get there. And we don't push more than to say, that if she gets the grades, all of her options will be open to her. The rest is up to her.

That is what these years are about: imagining and dreaming and sometimes trying on new things as she figures what path to follow to make her dreams a reality.

The Turnpike

I am trying out this iPhone blogging ap and blogging from the Ohio Turnpike.

We spent 4 1/2 hours travelling straight east yesterday and another 1/2 hour going south.

We swam in the hotel pool.

We went to a wedding and a wedding reception.

When our youngest kids were wiped out, we dragged Violet away from her friends on the dance floor and headed back to the hotel.

At the hotel, the boys revived and stayed up until after 11pm watching movies with their friends while their parents imbibed a little and played a little Scrabble.

The friends were not too happy with the fact that I had the approved two letter Scrabble list memorized. They questioned my use of the word "en."

We went to bed after midnight on too fluffy hotel pillows.

And, early this morning I awoke to JJ poking and tossing and turning and trying as hard aa he could to wake me up.

And so, we are up and back on the Turnpike. And really, Ohio looks a lot like Indiana, except for the really super duper nice rest areas. There are corn field and cows and trees that have already lost their leaves.

The exciting part is that Jack Jack is delirous from only getting 7 hours of sleep when he normally gets between 11 and 12. And instead of going to sleep, he can't sit still. He can't stop making noises and interupting the Up movie that was playing in the car. He can't stop spitting and piercing our ear drums with his high pitch songs. He must keep doing these things, however, or his little body might just fall asleep. And we wouldn't want that. Would we?

And the turnpike just keeps going west. 2 hours down and three to go.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

True Story

True story...I got my current job because of a suggestion of a local blogger friend.

True story...I met my cleaning lady (who also blogs) through another blogger friend.

True story, there are a TON of super cool bloggers in my area and yet, I really haven't met any of them. My blog started out as a place for my private thoughts. And, along the way, I have linked up with so many people that I feel like I am really and truly friends with. But, I haven't really spent time with them, outside of blogging. I have been invited to things, but I haven't gone. BlogHer was forty minutes away from my home this past summer, but I was in California.

In a way, I have kept hiding behind the blog, because writing is easy. Putting myself out there with words on the screen was easy. And for an introvert, it was comfortable in a way that other social exchanges are not.

Well, this blog really isn't private any more. And people know it is out there. I feel like my blog has morphed and changed along the way and I am comfortable where it is at.

So, today, I ventured out...just a little, and met up with Erin for a quick coffee at lunchtime. This is the same Erin, who helped me find a new job where I am so thankful to have landed. This is the same Erin, who works in the same school corporation where I now work, except she is currently on maternity leave. This is the same Erin, who delivered her OWN baby on the stairs of her house this past summer. And she was every bit as sweet and cool as she is in writing.

I think I may have to venture out again.

And, because I am a dork and forgot to take pictures, here is a picture of me, holding that beautiful baby of Erin's. True Story.

Locked

Locked.
Locked in a box where no one else can see.
Shut in, they stay inside.
They can not come out.
If released, they might tear the whole house down,
crumbling all that has been so carefully built
Trapped inside, they can't hurt much.
They are chained, but they move.
They kick against the sides of the box.
They grumble.
They squirm.
They start to make the box feel as if it is closing in on itself.
But, the box holds.
The box holds despite the jolts from inside.
Ignore the rips and dents that start to appear.
Slap another piece of duct tape on the box.
It must keep them inside.
It does the job it has set out to do.
Protect all.
Do not let it out.
Keep the contents secure.
They are yours and yours alone.
Locked up tight.

His Own Personal Fairy

Dash lost a tooth the other day. He has lost lots of teeth. But, this one was a molar. It was special.

The Tooth Fairy, however, experienced Tooth Fairy fail (also known as forgetfulness). Dash is 10, and figured out the whole Santa Claus business last year, but seemed to still want to believe in the Tooth Fairy, or at least he was motivated by the idea of money, to pretend like he believed. I tried to help maintain the Tooth Fairy's reputation, by sneaking into his room, early in the morning, to snag the tooth and leave a few bucks, but he saw me, sat up and immediately flipped his pillow over and saw... the tooth.

As I stood there, trying to hide the greenbacks I had in my hand, I saw his crestfallen face as he said "the Tooth Fairy didn't come!"

Luckily, I can think on my feet and I quickly made up a story about the Tooth Fairy being afraid of dogs, and maybe, since the dog now sleeps on his bed, the Dumb Dog scared the Tooth Fairy away. He seemed to think that was plausible, so I added "maybe you should leave the tooth in the kitchen tomorrow, where it is easier for the Tooth Fairy to get to."

The kitchen happens to also be a more visible place for Mom to help the Tooth Fairy out, if needed.

So, he put his tooth in a cup in the kitchen and today, he found this typed note, along with a couple dollars, in the cup where the tooth was now not:

Dear Dash,

Thank you for putting your tooth somewhere far away from the really scary brown dog. I tried to get your tooth on Wednesday but the dog started licking me and then was about to eat my fairy wings. So, I flew as fast as I could out your window....thanks for leaving it unlocked for me. I tried to come back through the front door, but then the dog stood at your door growling. Did you hear her? Since tooth fairies are not allowed to wake sleeping children, I had to leave before you woke up and found me there.

I hope you lose some more teeth soon, because they are a hot item on the magical creature black market. I am saving up for a new motorcycle, and need to collect and sell as many teeth as I can.

Thanks again,
your fairy,

Imelda

**********************************

Who knew that everyone had their own personal Tooth Fairy? Dash's only question was if I knew what Jack Jack's Tooth fairy's name was. I don't because JJ hasn't lost any teeth yet. I guess I have quite a number of years left of listening to Violet ask me why it is ok for parents to lie to their children while I craft notes to help protect the reputation of all the magical holiday beings that visit our house.

Not Gonna Do It....

Two years ago, I blogged every day for the whole month of November. Last year I tried to write a novel in the same month. This year? This year, I am not gonna do it.

This year, my goals for the month of November include more time reading books, and making sure that I get up in time to get my workout in for the morning. And getting up at 4am, means I need to be in bed by 9pm.

This year, in November, I will write when I feel like it, no pressure.

This year, because I will be getting up to workout every morning, I will also bake cookies, when ever I feel like it, which usually coincides with me wanting to eat cookie dough.

This year, in November, we will not have a big family Thanksgiving, for the 1st time ever. My in-laws are leaving us for a Hawaiian cruise for two weeks, which they totally deserve, but still...leaving Northern Indiana for Hawaii, at the end of November? Are they insane? Who would want to do that?

And this year, in November, we have a totally relaxing Thanksgiving, with just us and my sister-in-law, in our own house, doing our own thing. Maybe not even ever getting out of our PJs....maybe, unless we need to workout first so we can enjoy our Thanksgiving feast guilt free.

Did I mention my sister-in-law? This year, in November, my totally awesome sister-in-law, consented to leave my brother for two weeks and hang out with us, to help me out with the kids while my in laws are off enjoying the warm Hawaiian sunshine. AND she is coming from Las Vegas, of all places. She must be crazy too. Or she just really likes us...

So, hey, goals change. And my goal for this November, is to enjoy it as much as possible, no pressure.

This Way

I love this picture. And, I started writing this post with a list of reasons why I love this picture. And then I deleted them. Because sometimes, words just ruin the view.

Yesterday, went just as planned. I relaxed in the morning, I took Jack Jack to preschool in his Storm Trooper Costume and photographed the costume parade. Then I went for a run in the woods. And it was quiet, except for the wind and the falling leaves, and the crunch of my feet on the covered trail. And the brightness of fall blurred together as I ran. And when I stopped, for a breather, on a bridge, I watched the leaves in their flotilla of color, float under the bridge and down the stream. And I wished I had my camera so that I could share. So, when I was done running, I got my camera out of my car and walked, and took pictures. And it was silent. And it was just me and the colors and I followed my own trail.

Breaking

Taking a Break

Applying the Brakes

Breaking down

The process of being Broken

Interesting how the word "Break" can have both positive and negative meanings.

I have been feeling a little broken. Not a lot broken, just a little. I love fall and I want to be out in it, but I have had some lingering virus, that for a month now has made me super tired. But, I am not sick enough to crawl into bed and stay there. Just sick enough to feel run down and sometimes keep myself awake at night coughing, yet not sick enough to take a break from mothering and working and cooking and laundry-ing.

I try to continue getting up early to workout, because running, and weights and yoga all give me the endorphins I need to feel better and feel better about myself. But, I am too tired to do this consistently. And the days that I don't, because my body feels like cement was poured over my head while I slept, I feel more tired than the days that I do.

I worked through my family's fall break last weekend. And while they were lounging, I was working. And I was jealous, and tired.

But, my turn is here. And this morning I shipped all, but the youngest off to school, from the warmth of my bed. And now, here we sit, still in our PJs, while I drink coffee and he plays Club Penguin, and I play scrabble and collect my words. And in a few hours, I will drop him off at preschool, in his Storm Trooper costume, and I will head off for a run in the woods, to enjoy the fall color chaos that is almost gone.

And hopefully this break, will be a cure for whatever has been making me feel broken.